Why Your Divorce is Breaking My Heart

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I’ve been divorced. It was 9 years ago. My boys were toddlers at the time, and now one of them is planning on getting his permit next year. Yet, we still suffer from the ramifications of divorce. And in some ways, I suspect my kids always will.

I am not going to list biblical reasons for divorce. I am not going to offer my opinion on “good reasons” to divorce. I am not even going to share with you why I divorced my then-husband. I will tell you it took several years to make that decision. I will also tell you that I am remarried and that I am very satisfied and happy in my marriage. I will tell you, quite plainly though, that there is much pain that encompasses those who have been through a divorce, especially the children.

When I divorced in 2005, I worried about my kids. I worried what would become of them in the climate of the marriage I was in at the time. I worried how the divorce would shape them too. People told me, “kids are resilient; they will bounce back.” I liked hearing that, but years later, I wonder if they really knew what they were talking about.

My boys are good boys. I have a good relationship with them, and I am confident that I always will. They also really love their step-dad. They spend equal amounts of time at my house, and at their dad’s house. They don’t want for material possessions, athletic opportunities, educational opportunities, or chances to worship God. They are well fed, well clothed and healthy.

But there is more to them than that. Divorce, and the subsequent changes to their lives has forever changed them. Now I worry if they will have a chance at a lifelong marriage, or if their paradigm is forever changed in a way that will shape their relationships forever. I see them struggle in ways that children from non-divorced homes don’t seem to suffer. It is devastating at times.

There are many things I could say about divorce, divorce recovery, parenting plans, counseling, etc. And at some point, I will write about all of those things. But right now, I feel it is urgent for me to just say this, it is not too late for you to reconsider your divorce.

If you knew a couple that was about to get married, that had no business getting married, would you tell them? Would you tell them to forget about all the guests who are planning to attend their wedding? Would you tell them to forget about the money they had spent? I would. I would tell them to consider their forever, and not just their now, or how people would view them for changing their minds. Rows of guests in their Sunday best is not a reason to say, “I do.”

If you are considering divorce, I beg you to rethink it. Maybe you have already filed. Maybe you are already dating. Maybe you have your own place, your own bed, your own toaster…but it’s not too late. Whether you have children or not, please just pause, close your eyes and talk to God about all this. Let Him help you sift through all this. He wants to help. And I promise you, a lease on an apartment or a new social media relationship status can all be undone.

I know you might think of me as a hypocrite. That’s okay with me. I often say, “I would rather you hate me than hate yourself.” Divorce is awful. It is final. And the ripple it creates goes on for years, if not decades. And maybe you’re afraid that you will lose your nerve and not go through with the divorce if you stop to think about it. But there may be hope for your marriage that you are bulldozing over as your rush out of there as if the building is on fire.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry he let you down, let you feel lonely, or said things that crushed you. I am sorry you don’t feel close to him anymore, like you can count on him, or that you are in love anymore. I am sorry he broke your trust, damaged your respect for him or let you down again. I am sorry that sometimes he’s an ass, that he takes you for granted, or doesn’t even notice you at times. You deserve more. But if you haven’t let God have His way with your marriage, how do you know that more isn’t possible with the man you married?

How do you know, if you haven’t asked?

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